Saturday, March 27, 2010

Episode 5 (Uninvention Update/Creamer Tops)

UPDATE – More support for my campaign for the univention of cars:
I am convinced designers and engineers only study so they can use their knowledge of building and arranging things to push people ever closer to the crumbling edge of sanity. It took me half an hour to figure out how to make my rather average-sized hand fit into the space required to gain admittance to the burned out headlight on my car. Now I am no expert, but it seems to me it might make sense to design a car in such a way as to allow an adult human being, typically the type of being one might find using a car, to change the headlights of said car without introducing his toddlers to a whole new category of language absent from Baby Einstein videos or giving his wife the distinct impression the car has begun jumping up and down on him in a violent attempt to stop him from ever attempting such foolishness again. – END OF UPDATE.

I am normally a harsh critic of most anything that has or has not been invented, discovered, or conceived, but I have come across something in which I can find no fault.

As I readied myself for the inevitable splatter of half and half that always results from trying to pull the little pull tab freshness seal contraption off a new carton of creamer for my morning coffee, I encountered a surprise. The seal was broken already. Only after cursing the store for selling an already-opened carton of creamy goodness, did I realize what had actually happened.

When I read the label, which I seldom do, in the knowledge such things are usually covered in half-truths and outright lies about the product, I saw the cap had been designed to open the seal as the cap was turned to remove it (the cap).

What an absolutely marvelous idea! My coffee tasted better, the sun shone brighter, my kids were happier, and the world lost its usual dimness, at least until I got in my car and remembered all those greedy little twits (whoever they are) flying their private jets to remote tropical islands to play golf, smoke Cuban cigars, and try to devise ways to convince us they need to raise the price of gas again and it is unrealistic to expect automakers to come up with a car that can get better than 3.2 miles per gallon by the year 3024.

Ah well, in those brief moments of bliss made possible by the geniuses at the creamery I realized there are people out there using that grey matter between their ears for useful things…like making morning coffee more enjoyable. The only downside is you have to wait for a new carton to experience the joy again. Now I just have to figure out how to explain to my wife why there are 47 open cartons of creamer in our fridge.

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