Saturday, April 3, 2010

Exercise in a Pill

For those of you not privy to the latest research techniques, let me enlighten you. Researchers have very boring jobs. They spend all day in labs putting drops of this into vials of that, looking at very small things through very large microscopes, drinking lots of coffee, eating lots of candy, and doing other boring researchy-type stuff. To pass the time, they like to run completely illogical and unnecessary tests and mix things that really have no business being mixed. Lots of very important and unimportant things have been discovered and invented this way.

One such thing is exercise in a pill. Yes, they have engineered a pill that fools your body into thinking it has just run a marathon, or at least walked up a flight of stairs. It changes your muscles into slow-twitch fat-burning machines without the headache of actual physical activity. Well, that is what it does on mice anyway. On people, it may be just as likely to make you lose your hair, start growing hair in your ears, or turn your eyeballs inside out.

I am hoping eventually I will be able to take pills that make me feel like I am doing all sorts of exciting and productive things, without leaving the comfort of my easy chair. In any case, I will leave you with a great recipe I like to use on occasion.

1 body aging faster than the mind to which it is attached
1 month or more of sedentary living
1 great idea
30 to 40 minutes of intense strength training (I really recommend lots of squats and such for best results)

Mix however you would like. Wait approximately two days. (This may vary depending on the body you use. You will know it is ready when you feel muscle pain, joint pain, skin pain, ligament pain, fingernail pain, hair follicle pain, inner ear pain, nose hair pain, and several other major and minor pains, not the least of which are statements along the lines of, “maybe you should start slower next time.” This should effectively reduce the body’s mobility to that of a 634-year-old. If it doesn’t work, just repeat in another couple of months. Enjoy!