Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Episode 57: Hospitals and Cars

I noticed a new billboard for a hospital as I was texting and eating and singing along to the radio and yelling at all the other drivers who don’t know how to drive.

Does anyone else remember when billboards used to be the only real distraction on the highways? Driving used to be fun…because the radio didn’t really get louder than the road noise or the wind through the open windows, which had to be open because the AC didn’t really work, and eating was something you did around a table in a house with walls to which the telephones were attached. Ah the good old days.

Anyway, this billboard proclaimed that the hospital’s ER was “Always open.” Um, isn’t that pretty much like McDonalds putting up a big billboard saying, “We serve food?” (Without the question mark of course, but grammatical rules being what they are I have to include it within the quotes even though it is not actually part of the quote. Although, given the quality of fast food, it could actually also be presented as a valid question.)  Aren’t ERs supposed to be open all the time?

“Oh Timmy, I am sorry you got your leg gnawed off by a rabid honey badger that somehow hopped a boat from Australia, or from wherever it is rabid honey badgers come, but the ER is closed, so you are just going to have to writhe around there on the stoop until it opens again, and then you are number 5 in line after all the ambulances already waiting here.”

Maybe that billboard was actually written by an Eastern European mushy-brained kook. Over there the ERs may or may not be open at night and there may or may not actually be doctors there even if they are open. And if they are open and there are doctors there who feel like helping you and have the right equipment to do so, you are very likely to be paraded around naked in front of everyone else, which would be embarrassing if every other patient didn’t get the same privilege. Those crazy Europeans and their lack of privacy concerns; their doctors may not be as concerned about helping people in the middle of the night, or about making sure their patients are clothed, but they make some pretty nice cars, speaking of which, the British have a very entertaining car show called Top Gear. Those of you who like cars will likely find it more entertaining, but everyone can appreciate the ridiculous stunts and shenanigans the three hosts undertake.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Episode 54: I Just Saved $45.02

That’s right, I just saved $45.02! How, how could you too save $45.02? I am sure that question is picking at your brain like the woodpecker that insists on terrorizing a certain corner of my house with his rat-tat-tat-tatting all the time. Well, it is thanks to another brilliant mushy-brained kook strategy, of course.

You see, I had to spend $50 (on $95.02 worth of merchandise it would seem) in order to save that $45.02, but really that’s like I only spent about $5 right, what with my savings? Math has never been my strong suit, so I am a little fuzzy on that part. In any case, the lady manning the register (Now that’s an interesting complication to our fair language isn’t it? I guess she would have to be “womanning” the register. I guess to be politically correct she would have to “person” the register. I would have used “people,” but it would be tiny people indeed who could “people” a cash register. Maybe that is exactly how cash registers really work. Sure there is all this talk about computers and circuit boards and nanotechnology and all that, but what if all that stuff is really run by scads of tiny people? Just something to ponder, along with the thought that our language only makes sense until you try to use it.) was very happy to make sure I knew how much money I saved by spending money at that store.

What a great way to get people to save their money. How exciting! It makes me feel very fiscally responsible. I am going to try to save lots more money now that I know how to do it. In no time at all I am sure I can save up enough money to buy that motorcycle. All I have to do is buy more stuff on sale. That Dave Ramsey guy and all his “don’t buy that” attitude, what does he know? I have the receipts to prove how much money I saved…all I have to do now is find out where they are keeping it. I better keep all my receipts so I have documentation about my balance. I am sure they are honest, but one can never be too careful.