Thursday, April 5, 2012

Episode 51: Don’t Take Drugs Seriously

Levsin is an antispasmodic medication given to help treat various stomach, intestinal, and urinary tract disorders that involve cramps, colic, or other painful muscle contractions. Because Levsin has a drying effect, it may also be used to dry a runny nose or to dry excess secretions before anesthesia is administered...If you take Levsin for a stomach disorder, you may also need to take antacid medication. However, antacids make Levsin more difficult for the body to absorb...Side effects may include…confusion, constipation, decreased sweating…drowsiness…excitement…impotence, inability to urinate, insomnia….

You are probably wondering just what is going on so far in this week’s month’s column. Be assured I have not gone any further insane, at least not that I noticed, which raises the question of whether I would notice if I had anyway. In any case, my sanity is not the reason we are here.

We are here because I am worried about the collective sanity of the world in which we all live. You see, the excerpts above were taken directly from a page about NuLev. Why do I care about NeLev you may now ask…go ahead, ask away.

Well, I am glad you asked. I have no real interest in NuLev other than the fact that it is stamped on a small rubbery colon now sitting on my desk looking at me through yellow eyes and smiling at me with its one vampire-like tooth, a snake-like tongue, and a very dapper little red bowtie.

It is a souvenir from a surgery I had many years ago, and another genius idea from the mushy-brained kooks in some pharmaceutical company’s basement (I would look up which company, but you know about my budgetary restrictions).

I thought the rubber colon was hilarious on its own, but then I read the drug description and my brain almost turned entirely inside-out. Who wants to take a drug that can treat both your colon and your runny nose?

Am I the only one confused about how you need to take antacid medication with this medication, but the antacid medication makes this medication not work right so you have to keep taking more and more antacid and more and more of this medication?

As with any drug, however, my favorite part is the list of possible side effects. I am trying to picture what it would look like to be an excited drowsy insomniac who can’t sweat. If you think ADD is bad, try taking this medication.

That wasn’t even what I was going to write about, but it just jumped in and took right over and that’s all the time we have left.

Please tune in again next week month time when we discuss what it was I meant to discuss this time before I was hijacked by a rubber colon.

By the way, in a completely and totally unrelated coincidence, tomorrow (or today, or March 5th, depending on when you are reading this) is Dress in Blue Day.

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