Friday, January 10, 2014

Episode 69: Good Friend Robert Redford

So the other day, I received a note from my good friend Robert Redford. I was pretty excited because I hadn't heard from him in forever, but that's probably only because he has never heard of me.

Okay, so technically it wasn't so much a personal friendly note as it was a formal notification from Bobby on behalf of the Natural Resources Defense Council, which I learned I seem to support fervently enough to receive recognition in the form of a Certificate of Appreciation. It is nice to know my support is appreciated, but I was slightly confused because I had never heard of such an organization before receiving the note from Bobby.

Apparently the NRDC is "the Earth's best defense" against "those who would destroy it." At least that's what my Certificate of Appreciation says. Who wants to destroy Earth? I assumed, as most people would, that it was grotesque angry intergalactic aliens looking for worlds to harvest so they can power their machinations of destruction and continue their quest to control the universe. Surprisingly, that is not who the NRDC fears most.

In the special report enclosed along with my certificate, which I have proudly framed and mounted in a prominent place in my office so everyone will know I do not hate Earth, the Virginia-based NRDC uncovered "the worst corporate assault on America's natural heritage you've ever heard of." Coincidently, it also happens to be "the worst possible nightmare for Alaskan wilderness," and "an almost unimaginably bad idea." I've almost had a few of those, I think, but it's hard to tell because I don't have a great imagination to begin with...with which to all.

There were a lot more words, some underlined, some bold, some red, and some quite large in the few pages of the special report, but it was about Alaska, and that is very far away, so I lost interest. I mean, I don't hate the Alaskan part of Earth, and the free wildlife tote bag to "show the world you're helping to stop the Pebble Mine in Bristol Bay," was very nice, but Alaska is very far away, and cold.

There was some sort of paper I was supposed to sign and send somewhere, presumably to someone who has some sort of power to halt all the nightmares. I think maybe the President of the United States might have been mentioned, but I don't know the President any more than Bobby knows me, and the tote bag wasn't so nice as to motivate me to purchase it for a $15 donation, so in the end I kept supporting the NRDC the same way I always have, by not wanting to destroy Earth.

I trust they can still feel my support, so I am keeping the certificate. It makes me feel like I am part of the solution to the problem of horrific apocalyptic nightmares in Alaska, plus friends support each other, right Bobby?